Anonymous writer
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who craved validation, not only from her friends or school but from her parents. The problem was that it seemed to never be enough, whatever she did in order to impress them, they always appeared to have been expecting more. So that’s what she gave them, more and more, hoping, no, pleading for that emptiness to come to an end. However, it never did, the years passed by and the hole inside her grew larger and larger with everything she did, fury burned like a thousand hells inside her. Eventually, that wrath changed directions, it was no longer aimed at her parents for all of the countless nights she had to endure just so she could get an “i’ve seen better” or “i expected a higher grade”. No, don’t be fooled, that little girl’s true enemy now was herself, simple as that, she loathed that she was never even near good enough, not only for her parents but for herself.
It appeared that she was sliced right down the middle, half of her was bullying and reminding her of all the things she was, and the other half was trying to prove them all wrong, proving to them that she was worth fighting for even though she didn’t believe it herself. Days felt like decades, never seeming to end, and with each passing day, the girl was never satisfied with what she had accomplished. Who cares if she received an A+ when she has also gotten a C?
To her luck, college was right around the corner, almost within reach. Without a doubt, now she had to be perfect, she needed to be the best in sports, play every instrument ever invented, apply to volunteer work, have hundreds of hobbies, and above all that, have a social life. How is this fair? This all started with wanting to have reassurance from her parents, and now, her performance will determine the rest of her insignificant life.
It seemed like yesterday she was playing tag with her friends, the same friends that don’t even look in her direction anymore. Her past keeps haunting her, it doesn’t want to be forgotten, it can’t, all those good memories, all those midnight calls, and good morning texts, all those “i love you” texts, how can they not be her reality anymore? Oh right, she has to focus on her future, she can’t be distracted by silly little things like relationships. At least, that’s what she keeps reminding herself; however, the truth is obvious, she’s scared, mortified actually, what if her parents were right, what if she is and will never be enough, not for school, nor for relationships? How can she ever be sufficient when the world keeps reminding her that she isn’t?
Those are questions that she’ll never know the answer to, but hopefully, as more time goes by, she will accept herself and stop living in the past having only memories to keep her warm at night. Yeah, maybe those “friends” moved on from her, but perhaps it was a good thing, looking back, she doesn’t remember a lot of times where she has felt truly comfortable and safe with them, it always seemed like she had to be better in order to be accepted. Her general view of friendships is very simple, they need to make her not feel like she has something to prove, and that’s probably why she has a hard time realizing who her true friends are since she’s used to trying to please people, unfortunately, they sometimes don’t catch her attention in time.
And yeah, she misses the person from whom those “i love you” were sent, but weren’t they toxic? Yes, yes they were, but it was after there was no more “them”, during it, they were sweet, caring, and made her feel whole. She will never forget those special memories because they were her first love, and one never fully gets over their first love.
She needs to keep reminding herself of those things because it seems like the easiest thing in the world to forget and go back to the place she used to call “home”. She kept insisting to herself that “home” was a person which whom she loved, and sometimes it can be, but someone fairly new to her life reminded her that you can’t find a home, you need to create it with your friends and family because that “home” that she is searching for, is inside her, she is that safe place, no one will ever understand her as much as she does, even if sometimes she has no clue of what she is feeling.
Now, she is trying to forget all the good memories she had in her past, although the word “forget” isn’t right, she’s trying to be okay with remembering, okay that it’s all gone and never coming back, and okay with not always being perfect all the time, because being “enough” doesn’t always mean being perfect. She’s trying to remember all these things so she can be whole-heartedly happy once again. Most importantly, she’s trying to find her happily ever after.
EAC PRESS 